Monday’s are for blood work. We got the good news that I could continue with chemo this week because my white blood cell count was up enough. (I missed going to see MacBeth over the weekend because of a cold and trying to get these white blood cells to multiply – which I don’t have any control over.)
Miss M and I had a devastating conversation about ‘how will you know I love you if I don’t make these things for you’. (She was trying to make me a book in secret but I found out it was for me.) This is so hard on her. Really. It gave me the idea for what I think could be a great children’s book but I keep having to explain to her that there is nothing she could do to make me love her more because I already love her so much and it doesn’t come with conditions. I appreciate the amount of artwork my children create for me but it isn’t a necessity for my affections. So of course I have to wonder if she thinks I should be making things for her to show her how much I love her? Does she not know? It’s heartbreaking the amount of things she worries about and me having cancer is really not helping right now. I bought her a Taylor Swift CD. (Maybe we should have laid off the Joy Division when she was a baby?) I hope that makes her feel more like a 7-year old and not an adult with the burdens of the world on her shoulders.
I had scheduled my cancer reading into my Passion Planner this week. I had originally bought the planner to plan out writing my novel (that sounds so cliche) but I have been avoiding it because I know what I really need to plan out is my cancer recovery. So I had booked whole sections of time off – since I spend a lot of it alone in my room – to really focus. Reading such-and-such book, chapters 7 & 8 from 9-11 a.m. etc. This was supposed to start on Tuesday morning but instead I spent Tuesday morning at the walk-in clinic with a very sick soon-to-be 3-year-old. Mommying doesn’t stop just because mommy has cancer. (Or even a cold.)
Wednesday was chemo. I wore make-up. It’s been a big week for me. My day post-chemo is pretty much a wash as I am messed up on drugs and can barely carry on a conversation.
Thursday was spent battling a chemo-induced heat rash so I managed to avoid anything previously scheduled and read The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness which is brilliant by the way – especially if you are familiar with Buffy and other teenage hero type stories. I could really use a friend right now who is three-quarters Jewish and one-quarter god who could heal all that ails me. It was time well-spent and I had been waiting for that book to come in from the library for months so I’m not going to beat myself up over it.
However, somehow while I was resting and icing my burning face yesterday I managed to injure myself again (ribs, again) and now I have only had 3 hours of sleep in the last 36+ hours. So I’m all hopped up on painkillers again and even that doesn’t seem to be allowing me to sleep. I think part of the problem is that I can never get my brain to turn off. There is so much conflicting information out there about what I should be doing to get better (or at least get well enough to not spend all day in bed) that I find it all overwhelming. This is all so overwhelming – even with the amazing support system that I have. My patience for myself is wearing thin – I seem to have it for other people but trying to be patient with myself and my body is hard.
I really need a nap.